After spending almost a week in the hospital, I've come out of it more lost then ever. I've lost everything I can think of. I know people have it worse then me, but at this point I feel like I have nothing, and in the end you are nothing by my opinion.
I've lost friends over this, but they weren't my friends to begin with if they can't talk to me like a normal human being.
Most of all, and most important, I've lost myself. Somewhere along this 21 year road I've lost me, it's hard as fuck (pardon my french) to wake up in the morning. I'm taking my medication but it's still not helping. I feel like the world is going to crush me at times.
I don't talk to anyone about it because frankly whenever I call someone that says I should call them when I'm feeling down, well they aren't there. I don't know maybe I'm asking too much. I know at the end of the day I only have myself, but I just don't know where to go from here.
I cry in the middle of the night, because my apartment is empty. I get angry more now. What's going on with me? I can't end up back in the hospital it will only make it worse. I have no idea what I'm doing anymore, and it scares the living day lights out of me.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
One negative thing a week?
So, I've been very positive lately, and not having any unhappy times, I've stopped flowing negativity from invading my focuse, but sometmes you have to let negativity flow out of you. Not keep it bottled inside.
I texted him just saying that I miss him, I found that apartment with him and going back there without him for the first time, made me think of the day we broke up, that was the last place we had been at, right after breakfast and the breakfast pic. I miss him, I do. I've been trying to not admit it out loud, and it's been helping getting through the day.
I wonder if he misses me too, if he doesn't it will break my heart, if he does then I'll want to tell him you're an idiot then. Maybe I pushed the subject too soon, but I just don't know how to do these, these things called relationships, I don't know how to share my life with someone else, and not try to push them away. Too bad he failed the test and didn't grab on to me.
Meh, it was better to find out now, then later on.
So ya that was something negative I did, texting him was not the positive thing to do, because his texts are vague and I don't think he cares about me anymore, at least not like before, the little he did care.
Possitive
- Paid my deposit on the apartment in full
- Worked on my day off, because they needed over time
- Got clothes bins
- Got laundry soap
- Have money set aside for said laundry
Negative
- Tried to see what was going on
Not bad at the end of the day I did more positive things then negative, it's a good balance and I'm proud of myself.
I texted him just saying that I miss him, I found that apartment with him and going back there without him for the first time, made me think of the day we broke up, that was the last place we had been at, right after breakfast and the breakfast pic. I miss him, I do. I've been trying to not admit it out loud, and it's been helping getting through the day.
I wonder if he misses me too, if he doesn't it will break my heart, if he does then I'll want to tell him you're an idiot then. Maybe I pushed the subject too soon, but I just don't know how to do these, these things called relationships, I don't know how to share my life with someone else, and not try to push them away. Too bad he failed the test and didn't grab on to me.
Meh, it was better to find out now, then later on.
So ya that was something negative I did, texting him was not the positive thing to do, because his texts are vague and I don't think he cares about me anymore, at least not like before, the little he did care.
Possitive
- Paid my deposit on the apartment in full
- Worked on my day off, because they needed over time
- Got clothes bins
- Got laundry soap
- Have money set aside for said laundry
Negative
- Tried to see what was going on
Not bad at the end of the day I did more positive things then negative, it's a good balance and I'm proud of myself.
Motivation
Goodness I woke up at 6 am with such motivation and determination that I thought I could conquer the world, little did I know I'd get sick in the middle of everything. I hate being sick, I get needy when I'm sick. But I payed the last installment of my apartment deposit, took a video of the apartment, bougt laundry soap and tubs for the clothes. It was at least half faught for.
Died my heir too, it looks awesome, I'm a red head now, but a chestnut soft redhead. Right now I'm listening to Robyn and she's singing to my heart. She's the pre GaGa and no trash, but music that means something. I sing it when I'm not listening to it too, and I don't get to listen to it much, I'm still using Father Time's laptop, can't wait to get my own.
But when I'm not writing I will make a video a day, just to give progress to my NEW PROJECT. I like that it's simple and to the point. I think it's time for a nap , I'm getting just a bit too sick, laundry can wait for the next weekend. As long as I don't spend the money but for now sleep is the best.
I'll give you guys an update on Father Time helping my vlog out by making his own videos and will post them on youtube and I will link them to this blog.
I want to make a record that I was here damn it and I made it.
Hugzzz and Kissezzz
Oana
Died my heir too, it looks awesome, I'm a red head now, but a chestnut soft redhead. Right now I'm listening to Robyn and she's singing to my heart. She's the pre GaGa and no trash, but music that means something. I sing it when I'm not listening to it too, and I don't get to listen to it much, I'm still using Father Time's laptop, can't wait to get my own.
But when I'm not writing I will make a video a day, just to give progress to my NEW PROJECT. I like that it's simple and to the point. I think it's time for a nap , I'm getting just a bit too sick, laundry can wait for the next weekend. As long as I don't spend the money but for now sleep is the best.
I'll give you guys an update on Father Time helping my vlog out by making his own videos and will post them on youtube and I will link them to this blog.
I want to make a record that I was here damn it and I made it.
Hugzzz and Kissezzz
Oana
Thursday, April 14, 2011
New Project
After spending countless hours on the famous addictive webchannel of youtube I have come to a wonderfull conclustion. I have a new project, make a video a day. I believe that it will help me discover my independence, face a fear or a thought every week or so maybe sometimes 2 or 3 a day, but that's a bit much since I never have time to remember to take the camera.
Honestly I don't like my camera, it was gone for a while, SSH (*not SHS I don't know why I messed that one up) Thanks to Wifey for reminding me that I can forget important things at times. Any hoo back to camera thing, when it came back it worked. I got it back when I was dating Legs, even though for some reason we always used his camera, since he never liked our picture being takne. (Still a little hurt about that, as I am a fantastic Camera whore). I left mine at my apartment, and when I found it again the battery latch was broken. Since our apartment has no tape, I can't fix it. (*isert "sad panda" face please) so I'm going to have to wait until I'm at my new apartment and have a perfect spot for it.
Sounds crazy? I know definetly crazy. But I have a bit of an OCD too, having one spot for things, random things, such as tape should be in a drawer in kitchen. Or a tool box where I have every sort of tool you might need in compact version of course. Maybe the tape will be in the sewing kit, when I get a sewing kit, so I can lift lint off things I've sown, or even the soap residue so I can never have to wash it because it's a prototype for my future clothes line.
I need a camera and fast, I talk faster then I type so I can keep on track with one thought without rambling on. Ohhh, ya I don't like my camera, new project, yes I got it. I need a new camera so I can do a list of things, I would love to do in my lifetime, Sky, Sing in front of a crowd, Go back to school, Move out of the city, make a donation of certain percent of earings, put money aside, these are all things that I need motivation from everyone else for, and things that will allow me to discover whether or not I like something, make a hobby for myself, or push myself further.
I know that Father Time, and SSH (Ha I got it right the first time) will get this, maybe even Foxy if I remind her. So that means maybe just maybe they'll tell other people about it so I can get ideas and well basically crazy ideas, touch a live snake, get my legs waxed, dye my hair bright pink, take swimming lessons for adults, thread water, get a fake tan, my eyes lasered, write my first book, write my first screen play, make my first move, learn to play guitar, write a song, have my first concert, get a record deal, tour the world. Make a recepie, have other's try it, get requests, make videos, write cook book, own a restaurant, go back to school, become a food critic... travel the world.
That's what a blog reader can do today, it can help someone live to their dreams, they don't need to be famous, (though it does help), they can have their own fanclub of one and make it to where they are the most happy. So next time you read a blog think about the person who made it, wouldn't they want to know what you think? Whether it's over the annonymus life of the internet, or face to face over a cancer stick (FAG) outside of the work (prison, heat infusing, hair whitenning place). "Oh how we love thee...." No I'm not serious.
I'll probably do another blog, so those of you, who night has abandoned, you are not alone. Do not go gentle into that goodnight.... It's my LIFE!!!... "NOT" yours to break or bury, or wear as jewlery..... Romeo, romeo, where forth are thou Romeo.... Deny thy father and refuse thy name.... Bitch you died at the end shut up. Let the man go and you'll live another day.... or die another day when you're old grey and happy.
I choose the second one, and now I'm standing firmly by my choice, when I falter I will come back and say I did it, you can't fight me, I did it on my own.
Plans..... why I am very, very happy you asked....
Love ya guys
XOXO - Kissezz and Hugzz
Oana
Honestly I don't like my camera, it was gone for a while, SSH (*not SHS I don't know why I messed that one up) Thanks to Wifey for reminding me that I can forget important things at times. Any hoo back to camera thing, when it came back it worked. I got it back when I was dating Legs, even though for some reason we always used his camera, since he never liked our picture being takne. (Still a little hurt about that, as I am a fantastic Camera whore). I left mine at my apartment, and when I found it again the battery latch was broken. Since our apartment has no tape, I can't fix it. (*isert "sad panda" face please) so I'm going to have to wait until I'm at my new apartment and have a perfect spot for it.
Sounds crazy? I know definetly crazy. But I have a bit of an OCD too, having one spot for things, random things, such as tape should be in a drawer in kitchen. Or a tool box where I have every sort of tool you might need in compact version of course. Maybe the tape will be in the sewing kit, when I get a sewing kit, so I can lift lint off things I've sown, or even the soap residue so I can never have to wash it because it's a prototype for my future clothes line.
I need a camera and fast, I talk faster then I type so I can keep on track with one thought without rambling on. Ohhh, ya I don't like my camera, new project, yes I got it. I need a new camera so I can do a list of things, I would love to do in my lifetime, Sky, Sing in front of a crowd, Go back to school, Move out of the city, make a donation of certain percent of earings, put money aside, these are all things that I need motivation from everyone else for, and things that will allow me to discover whether or not I like something, make a hobby for myself, or push myself further.
I know that Father Time, and SSH (Ha I got it right the first time) will get this, maybe even Foxy if I remind her. So that means maybe just maybe they'll tell other people about it so I can get ideas and well basically crazy ideas, touch a live snake, get my legs waxed, dye my hair bright pink, take swimming lessons for adults, thread water, get a fake tan, my eyes lasered, write my first book, write my first screen play, make my first move, learn to play guitar, write a song, have my first concert, get a record deal, tour the world. Make a recepie, have other's try it, get requests, make videos, write cook book, own a restaurant, go back to school, become a food critic... travel the world.
That's what a blog reader can do today, it can help someone live to their dreams, they don't need to be famous, (though it does help), they can have their own fanclub of one and make it to where they are the most happy. So next time you read a blog think about the person who made it, wouldn't they want to know what you think? Whether it's over the annonymus life of the internet, or face to face over a cancer stick (FAG) outside of the work (prison, heat infusing, hair whitenning place). "Oh how we love thee...." No I'm not serious.
I'll probably do another blog, so those of you, who night has abandoned, you are not alone. Do not go gentle into that goodnight.... It's my LIFE!!!... "NOT" yours to break or bury, or wear as jewlery..... Romeo, romeo, where forth are thou Romeo.... Deny thy father and refuse thy name.... Bitch you died at the end shut up. Let the man go and you'll live another day.... or die another day when you're old grey and happy.
I choose the second one, and now I'm standing firmly by my choice, when I falter I will come back and say I did it, you can't fight me, I did it on my own.
Plans..... why I am very, very happy you asked....
- Call Italy on Thursday to set appoitment for Friday
- Get my Blackberry Back and use it as a Word Doc on the go
- Confirm if Piticu can show up Friday morning
- Go pay off my Income Tax on Friday
- Meet up with Landlord on the 15 for the last deposit
- Work for a couple of hours
- Go to grocery store (get baskets for clothes, could ask Legs for the tubs but still not sure if he'll talk to me yet)
- Load up laundry card
- Do laundry
- Get boxes
- Pack some more stuff
- Go to work for overtime this weekend, either Thursday or Friday. (Really feeling Friday more then Thursday)
- Find out how I can get the Blackberry Unlocked
- 3.1 Put my Virgin (made you think of sex) SIM in my blackberry and get data plan on
- Find a USB cable for the said Blackberry (Blinks nicely.... *puppy dog face*)
- Continue with this blog at least once a week
- Find out how much internet would cost at the apartment, Uhaul paintments
- Move out (Mainly be all packed by the 28th of the month)
- Get essencials before anything else
- Get furniture from Smart One
- Buy Beauty and Little Man a gift
- 10.1 or make the photo album for Beauty and make something for Little Man (Baby Blanket)
- See Beauty before Little Man is born
- Get my hair done (at home or KGB maybe)
- Go to a Roller Derby game
- Go shopping buy something that is only 20$ and make sure you give up 20$ smoking or
- 5. Get a facial and don't smoke for that money
- Get laptop
- Do a video once a month or slide show for now
- Take a lesson (something cheap maybe 4 times a month or so)
- Manage money for a mini-vacation
- Go on a Mini vacation by the end of summer (mini- vaction as my darling Bridget would say means a weekened in a different town, where you don't know anyone, but will enjoy because it's something you've never done before... posibly with tons of pictures)
- Get a set loan for a certain sum of money (Thanks BOOBIES for that idea)
- Do the Blog once a day
- Get a raise..... or
- 7. Apply to a different company
- Start paying off my debt
Love ya guys
XOXO - Kissezz and Hugzz
Oana
What shall I do?
I am me and I am you,
I am no one and that's true
I do nothing for the living
I do not grieve the departed
I am speechless
I can't shut up
I am happy
I can be sad
I am here
I am alone
There is only
Me not you
There is nothing
I won't do
Independence here I am
I have grown
I will not beg
For a promise it will be better
I will fight
Every last breath
I will make something of myself
I will grow
I will not falter
I will live
Grieve and continue
I am here.
I am no one and that's true
I do nothing for the living
I do not grieve the departed
I am speechless
I can't shut up
I am happy
I can be sad
I am here
I am alone
There is only
Me not you
There is nothing
I won't do
Independence here I am
I have grown
I will not beg
For a promise it will be better
I will fight
Every last breath
I will make something of myself
I will grow
I will not falter
I will live
Grieve and continue
I am here.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Konichiwa Bitches
For the first time... I've smiled a lot. In the past two days I've woken up with a smile on my face. Not faltering and staying there. It's weird but I really think I'm going to be ok. I have my friends around me, and I'm moving. I can be positive.
SSH said today that this kind of happiness is what she has been waiting for... euphoria not wrapped around a guy and me not having myself wrapped around the guy (physically and emotionally).
I really did figure out what people meant by "You don't need a guy."
I've applied for a Senior position in my company and I'm really excited to see if I get it. It's about the 4th time I've applied to get ahead in the company. I would be disappointed if I don't get it, but I have a back up plan in place.
Tomorrow there is overtime opportunity, so I'm going to be working 6 days instead of 5 but at least the money will come in the day of me moving, which will release some stress.
The new guy that I'm talking to JFD (Just friends D..) is understanding about the fact that I want just friends. Which is a relief I'm in the mood to hang out with new people and do new things, without having to worry about them wanting more.
I love my friends don't get me wrong, each and everyone of them. Either it be White Oreo, Foxy, Piticu, Father Time, Wifey, SSH, Boobs, and even Legs, though we're not on good terms. I appreciate all of them right now more then ever, because as I'm reflecting on myself, I've realized they are a big part of myself.
14 more days till moving day :)
Song of the Day : Konichiwa Bitches - Robyn (To listen and view the video click on the title of the blog)
Love the beat of it and the message it sends out, it's quirky and fun. Also the fact that it's not main stream makes me appreciate her not selling out to become main stream.
Till later,
XOXO
Oana
P.S. Might be going to TO. Pride this summer, still working on the plans.
SSH said today that this kind of happiness is what she has been waiting for... euphoria not wrapped around a guy and me not having myself wrapped around the guy (physically and emotionally).
I really did figure out what people meant by "You don't need a guy."
I've applied for a Senior position in my company and I'm really excited to see if I get it. It's about the 4th time I've applied to get ahead in the company. I would be disappointed if I don't get it, but I have a back up plan in place.
Tomorrow there is overtime opportunity, so I'm going to be working 6 days instead of 5 but at least the money will come in the day of me moving, which will release some stress.
The new guy that I'm talking to JFD (Just friends D..) is understanding about the fact that I want just friends. Which is a relief I'm in the mood to hang out with new people and do new things, without having to worry about them wanting more.
I love my friends don't get me wrong, each and everyone of them. Either it be White Oreo, Foxy, Piticu, Father Time, Wifey, SSH, Boobs, and even Legs, though we're not on good terms. I appreciate all of them right now more then ever, because as I'm reflecting on myself, I've realized they are a big part of myself.
14 more days till moving day :)
Song of the Day : Konichiwa Bitches - Robyn (To listen and view the video click on the title of the blog)
Love the beat of it and the message it sends out, it's quirky and fun. Also the fact that it's not main stream makes me appreciate her not selling out to become main stream.
Till later,
XOXO
Oana
P.S. Might be going to TO. Pride this summer, still working on the plans.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Music April 2011
I've been listening to a lot of music lately.
Some of these songs speak to my heart at the moment. I'll update the list, once I find more music that I can't stop listening to. Robyn - Be Mine is starting to grow on me. Just the lyrics and the way she sings it live, strums the strings of my heart.
Top 10 songs right now. (Youtube links too)
Some of these songs speak to my heart at the moment. I'll update the list, once I find more music that I can't stop listening to. Robyn - Be Mine is starting to grow on me. Just the lyrics and the way she sings it live, strums the strings of my heart.
Top 10 songs right now. (Youtube links too)
- The Homes - The Light Song
- Fefe Dobson - Can't Breathe (Ft Orianthi)
- Cheryl Cole - Fight For This Love
- Fefe Dobson - Stuttering
- Diddy - Coming Home (Ft. Skylar Grey)
- Fefe Dobson - Ghost
- Dr Dre - I need a doctor (Ft. Eminem and Skylar Grey)
- Ally and AJ - Potential Break Up Song
- Edward Maya - Desert Rain (Ft. Vika Jigulina)
- Eminem - Love the way you lie (Rihanna)
-
Wildboyz - The Sound Of Missing You (Ft. Ameerah)
If you have any songs you might think I'd like, send me the name/link in the comments and I will listen to it.
Huggz and Kissez
Oana
Impossible
Impossible by Shontelle is my inspiration for this blog. I'm going to talk about break ups because I haven't been able to say everything that I feel without someone trying to make me feel better or putting their own spin on it. I appreciate it don't get me wrong they've held me strong but I'm not that strong. I feel weak and lost right now.
I'll tell you a story.....
Moral of the story... there are no happy endings.
Aftermath - her POV (my POV)
As I sit down in front of this laptop, and look for a cigarette lighter I'm questioning whether or not I'm doing the right thing, I'm questioning wether or not I can go through everything that I'm feeling. If you know me, you also know that I'm not good at feelings, anything that has to do with them makes my skin crawl.
I've finished my cigarette, grabbed my heart in my teeth (mi-am luat inima in dinti) and decided to write. It's my way of dealing with things.
I did the most impossible thing, I fell in love, me the F**k 'em and leave them girl. I'm not embaressed by my past or ashamed of it. I know it's there, it's made me who I am. I gave everything that was in me to give, I thought I'd find the one person to appreciate that but I was wrong.
Turns out I fell too fast, turns out my feelings couldn't be returned, so I've entered my dormant state of living. Where I function but don't actually do anything besides, breathe, work, smoke, drink and work. Sleep eludes me, avoids me and taunts me in the early hours of the morning.
I'm broken right now, I feel broken, I feel like something is missing, I feel like I'll never smile again, but I do it anyway. I smile at jokes and I try to keep up the front of nothing is wrong. I'm denying the fact that I did something I promised myself I'll never do. DEPEND on someone other then myself.
I chose Impossible for this blog because some of the lyrics hit home.
I'll tell you a story.....
Girl meets boy, he's gotten out of relationship recently, let's call him Legs. Legs had just gotten out of a relationship and he was cautious about the girls he spent time with, but somehow Girl got Legs into a relatioship, and they were unseperable.
So much so that everyone commented on it, that includes family, close friends, and room mates. Things were rocky, but they were good too. Girl isn't all there all the time, and Legs wants to fix everything.
Girl noticed something was amiss, couldn't tell what, but she over reacted and left Legs one day. He didn't follow her, try to stop her or even say anything as she walked out the door with tears sliding down her face. He didn't notice that she was breaking her own heart in hopes of figuring out what was best for him.
Three days later they talked, sat down and discussed everything. Only to leave more questions and confusion inbetween them. That led to 2 more days of soul searching for Girl until she couldn't take it anymore, she could not stand not knowing, why he doesn't love her.
Turns out he never did, he cared for her sure nobody can deny that, but actual love wasn't in his repretoir at least not towards her. So she went back and tried to mend what was broken, only to realize there had to be something there, for it to be mended.
Moral of the story... there are no happy endings.
Aftermath - her POV (my POV)
As I sit down in front of this laptop, and look for a cigarette lighter I'm questioning whether or not I'm doing the right thing, I'm questioning wether or not I can go through everything that I'm feeling. If you know me, you also know that I'm not good at feelings, anything that has to do with them makes my skin crawl.
I've finished my cigarette, grabbed my heart in my teeth (mi-am luat inima in dinti) and decided to write. It's my way of dealing with things.
I did the most impossible thing, I fell in love, me the F**k 'em and leave them girl. I'm not embaressed by my past or ashamed of it. I know it's there, it's made me who I am. I gave everything that was in me to give, I thought I'd find the one person to appreciate that but I was wrong.
Turns out I fell too fast, turns out my feelings couldn't be returned, so I've entered my dormant state of living. Where I function but don't actually do anything besides, breathe, work, smoke, drink and work. Sleep eludes me, avoids me and taunts me in the early hours of the morning.
I'm broken right now, I feel broken, I feel like something is missing, I feel like I'll never smile again, but I do it anyway. I smile at jokes and I try to keep up the front of nothing is wrong. I'm denying the fact that I did something I promised myself I'll never do. DEPEND on someone other then myself.
I chose Impossible for this blog because some of the lyrics hit home.
I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love
I did, I did
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love
I did, I did
I remember my mother saying that to me.. not in the same words, and not in a song, they were so true. Which I did I was cautious for a long time, yet the one time I opened myself up, I was left in the dark with no way out.
The words that keep playing in my mind is "I don't blame you," I've said that to him, and I stand by it. I'm neurotic, and addict, and an all around crazy person. I'm too much for anyone to deal with, he just seemed to care a lot more.
I feel like a glorified SEX BUDDY, and I know it was never meant that way, I do get that, but at the end of the day I'm standing four months after the beginning thinking, how could it end? We were happy, or so I thought. We were in love, so I assumed.
For now I'm done, I'm done with everything that doesn't involve me, and getting myself where I want to be. I miss him, in every step I take in my silly little boots, when I fall asleep because he's not there to wrap his arms around me. I miss his text messages that would send me good night kissez, I miss feeling on top of the world. I'm at the bottom now, I am deep in the pits, and it's up to me to get myself back up again.
I just don't believe in love anymore, this will make me question everyone that comes into my life, this will make me fear, and this might stop me from loving again, the results have shattered all hope.
I'm young I know, there are plenty of fish in the sea. I know but right now that's not what I'm feeling. Right now I'm feeling like I'm not enought, like I'm always meant to be the rebound the girl that it's good for a F**k but nothing much, because I'm down for everything.
This is my pledge I'm done pleasing everyone but me, I'm done being the compliant one that doesn't mind cooking and cleaning, the one that doesn't mind being left behind, or tossed to the side, cause guess what no one will get the chance to toss me aside again. No one will get the change to try it out with me. Maybe I am ready for a relationship... no I'm not a trial version. I'm not a toy or a game, and I sure as all Hell am not here to make you feel better.
I'm done crying, I'm done feeling sad, and I'm done trying to fix things that I didn't break. I didn't do anything to deserve this and right now I'm angry, I'm angry as hell at the whole world, yet I will remember the good times, the smiles, the sillyness, the hockey game, the pictures in the photo booth, the movie nights, the dancing and the funnies. Other then that I'm not taking anything else with me.
I'm not going to worry about him anymore, he's a grown ass man. I'll think about him and smile, I'll be polite for companies sake, but other then that for now, I want nothing in return. I want to go into a corner and lick my wounds that were ripped open in a day and sliced through to the bone in a week.
I'll never let anyone tell me again "You mean a lot to me but you don't mean the whole world" or "I'm sorry". I've heard I'm sorry so many times I could scream if I hear it again. Don't do anything to be sorry about.
I'll figure it out one day at a time.
Monday April 12th, 2011
-Sleep
- Work
The rest to hell with it, I'll deal with it when it comes.
Exposure?!?!
I've posted a link to this blog on my facebook, which means that everyone gets to look at it, people that are close to me and people that are not. Which doesn't scare me, I'm just not looking forward to listening to the comments made about it in a negative way. If someone has something nice to say I'm more then willing to listen to it, but I don't want to be criticized on my life and my decisions. Criticize me on my writing.
I want to be a writer, I don't want to sell my self short, or sell my soul for it. I want to share with the world what it is I have to say, the hardest part is... well getting everything down on black and white (depending on the font colour you use), or in order for that matter.
Many changes have taken place since January, and I don't feel like going back to them, but I will mention them in future posts, here's to hoping I keep this going, for a little while at least.
Hugz and Kissez
Oana
I want to be a writer, I don't want to sell my self short, or sell my soul for it. I want to share with the world what it is I have to say, the hardest part is... well getting everything down on black and white (depending on the font colour you use), or in order for that matter.
Many changes have taken place since January, and I don't feel like going back to them, but I will mention them in future posts, here's to hoping I keep this going, for a little while at least.
Hugz and Kissez
Oana
Lists (Updated)
I've decided to come back, eventually I won't leave again, this is me trying. So I thought my first Blog should be about LISTS updated.
I can make it. I know I can, it will take time and determination.
- Get a new apartment.... I did that, on April 28th, I am going to be getting the keys to my very own apartment. Not sharing with anyone it will be all of my own and I'm damn proud of myself.
- Pay off the Debt I've accumulated over the years... that's a hard one because I'm still working on it. For now I want to be comfortable in my own apartment before I start paying stuff off.
- Get a raise at my job... I did I got about 20 cents, which does add up, but I'm not noticing it yet.
- Write a novel... that's always gonna be something I want to do.
- Go back to school... it is very closesly tied in with paying off my debt. I don't want to get student loans again and go through that.
- Write for a magazine... I have yet to find my voice, so writing right now has taken a back burner to everything else. I still write just not well enough to send it off.
- Take tons of pictures,.... my camera has recently broken down on me, it makes me sad but I want to upgrade it soon, since I didn't have it for the longest time.
- Clean my room... I should say keep it clean, right now since I've done my "Another person's trash is not my treasure" clean up, there are dirty clothes on the floor, and when I move they are all going to be washed I'm promising myself that.
- Become a successful independent woman, with confidence and poise..... Ha I'm working on it, I smile more, I'm more confident, success will come with time, and poise I'll just keep buying shoes.
I can make it. I know I can, it will take time and determination.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
LISTS
Things I want to do:
- Get a new apartment
- Pay off the debt I've added through the years
- Get a raise at my job
- Write a novel
- Go back to school
- Write for a magazine
- Take tons of pictures
- Clean my room (The only one that might happen)
- Become a successful independent woman, with confidence and poise.
- Hide out at my boyfriend's for the remainder of my lease
- Continue to buy clothes when I'm out of clean ones
- Not clean room
- Not do laundry because I frankly don't know where to start
- Not get my camera from SSH
- Become dependent on the only person in my life that seems to care. *
It's been a while
It's been three years since I have written and recently I've decided like I do many times to write my life out for the world to not care about.
I'm a 21 year old woman, living in an apartment she despises, in a new relationship that scares her, with a dead end job and no foreseeable future for anything better. I'm just your average know it all, and don't forget to mention the non existent relationship with blood related family, the medical issues ignored, the drinking the smoking, the life that seems to just be rushing by me and I haven't done anything I'm remotely pleased or happy about.
Sigh, if only. If only what? I want to scream at myself in that moment, I'm the master of my own universe, I don't want to end up bitter, and frankly alone (this goes with the new relationship territory),
I don't deal with things very well, I don't deal with anything unless I have to and that happens about once or twice a month on schedule. I have a cry fest and I feel better, suppressing my feelings all over again.
I want to do so many things, I want to live my life, instead of just tugging through it day by day. I want to take life by the horns and say F*** YOU!!! I'm in charge, you're not allowed to let me become a sloth in my own misery.
How am I going to do that?
I have no F***ING CLUE!!
I'm a 21 year old woman, living in an apartment she despises, in a new relationship that scares her, with a dead end job and no foreseeable future for anything better. I'm just your average know it all, and don't forget to mention the non existent relationship with blood related family, the medical issues ignored, the drinking the smoking, the life that seems to just be rushing by me and I haven't done anything I'm remotely pleased or happy about.
Sigh, if only. If only what? I want to scream at myself in that moment, I'm the master of my own universe, I don't want to end up bitter, and frankly alone (this goes with the new relationship territory),
I don't deal with things very well, I don't deal with anything unless I have to and that happens about once or twice a month on schedule. I have a cry fest and I feel better, suppressing my feelings all over again.
I want to do so many things, I want to live my life, instead of just tugging through it day by day. I want to take life by the horns and say F*** YOU!!! I'm in charge, you're not allowed to let me become a sloth in my own misery.
How am I going to do that?
I have no F***ING CLUE!!
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