After spending almost a week in the hospital, I've come out of it more lost then ever. I've lost everything I can think of. I know people have it worse then me, but at this point I feel like I have nothing, and in the end you are nothing by my opinion.
I've lost friends over this, but they weren't my friends to begin with if they can't talk to me like a normal human being.
Most of all, and most important, I've lost myself. Somewhere along this 21 year road I've lost me, it's hard as fuck (pardon my french) to wake up in the morning. I'm taking my medication but it's still not helping. I feel like the world is going to crush me at times.
I don't talk to anyone about it because frankly whenever I call someone that says I should call them when I'm feeling down, well they aren't there. I don't know maybe I'm asking too much. I know at the end of the day I only have myself, but I just don't know where to go from here.
I cry in the middle of the night, because my apartment is empty. I get angry more now. What's going on with me? I can't end up back in the hospital it will only make it worse. I have no idea what I'm doing anymore, and it scares the living day lights out of me.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
One negative thing a week?
So, I've been very positive lately, and not having any unhappy times, I've stopped flowing negativity from invading my focuse, but sometmes you have to let negativity flow out of you. Not keep it bottled inside.
I texted him just saying that I miss him, I found that apartment with him and going back there without him for the first time, made me think of the day we broke up, that was the last place we had been at, right after breakfast and the breakfast pic. I miss him, I do. I've been trying to not admit it out loud, and it's been helping getting through the day.
I wonder if he misses me too, if he doesn't it will break my heart, if he does then I'll want to tell him you're an idiot then. Maybe I pushed the subject too soon, but I just don't know how to do these, these things called relationships, I don't know how to share my life with someone else, and not try to push them away. Too bad he failed the test and didn't grab on to me.
Meh, it was better to find out now, then later on.
So ya that was something negative I did, texting him was not the positive thing to do, because his texts are vague and I don't think he cares about me anymore, at least not like before, the little he did care.
Possitive
- Paid my deposit on the apartment in full
- Worked on my day off, because they needed over time
- Got clothes bins
- Got laundry soap
- Have money set aside for said laundry
Negative
- Tried to see what was going on
Not bad at the end of the day I did more positive things then negative, it's a good balance and I'm proud of myself.
I texted him just saying that I miss him, I found that apartment with him and going back there without him for the first time, made me think of the day we broke up, that was the last place we had been at, right after breakfast and the breakfast pic. I miss him, I do. I've been trying to not admit it out loud, and it's been helping getting through the day.
I wonder if he misses me too, if he doesn't it will break my heart, if he does then I'll want to tell him you're an idiot then. Maybe I pushed the subject too soon, but I just don't know how to do these, these things called relationships, I don't know how to share my life with someone else, and not try to push them away. Too bad he failed the test and didn't grab on to me.
Meh, it was better to find out now, then later on.
So ya that was something negative I did, texting him was not the positive thing to do, because his texts are vague and I don't think he cares about me anymore, at least not like before, the little he did care.
Possitive
- Paid my deposit on the apartment in full
- Worked on my day off, because they needed over time
- Got clothes bins
- Got laundry soap
- Have money set aside for said laundry
Negative
- Tried to see what was going on
Not bad at the end of the day I did more positive things then negative, it's a good balance and I'm proud of myself.
Motivation
Goodness I woke up at 6 am with such motivation and determination that I thought I could conquer the world, little did I know I'd get sick in the middle of everything. I hate being sick, I get needy when I'm sick. But I payed the last installment of my apartment deposit, took a video of the apartment, bougt laundry soap and tubs for the clothes. It was at least half faught for.
Died my heir too, it looks awesome, I'm a red head now, but a chestnut soft redhead. Right now I'm listening to Robyn and she's singing to my heart. She's the pre GaGa and no trash, but music that means something. I sing it when I'm not listening to it too, and I don't get to listen to it much, I'm still using Father Time's laptop, can't wait to get my own.
But when I'm not writing I will make a video a day, just to give progress to my NEW PROJECT. I like that it's simple and to the point. I think it's time for a nap , I'm getting just a bit too sick, laundry can wait for the next weekend. As long as I don't spend the money but for now sleep is the best.
I'll give you guys an update on Father Time helping my vlog out by making his own videos and will post them on youtube and I will link them to this blog.
I want to make a record that I was here damn it and I made it.
Hugzzz and Kissezzz
Oana
Died my heir too, it looks awesome, I'm a red head now, but a chestnut soft redhead. Right now I'm listening to Robyn and she's singing to my heart. She's the pre GaGa and no trash, but music that means something. I sing it when I'm not listening to it too, and I don't get to listen to it much, I'm still using Father Time's laptop, can't wait to get my own.
But when I'm not writing I will make a video a day, just to give progress to my NEW PROJECT. I like that it's simple and to the point. I think it's time for a nap , I'm getting just a bit too sick, laundry can wait for the next weekend. As long as I don't spend the money but for now sleep is the best.
I'll give you guys an update on Father Time helping my vlog out by making his own videos and will post them on youtube and I will link them to this blog.
I want to make a record that I was here damn it and I made it.
Hugzzz and Kissezzz
Oana
Thursday, April 14, 2011
New Project
After spending countless hours on the famous addictive webchannel of youtube I have come to a wonderfull conclustion. I have a new project, make a video a day. I believe that it will help me discover my independence, face a fear or a thought every week or so maybe sometimes 2 or 3 a day, but that's a bit much since I never have time to remember to take the camera.
Honestly I don't like my camera, it was gone for a while, SSH (*not SHS I don't know why I messed that one up) Thanks to Wifey for reminding me that I can forget important things at times. Any hoo back to camera thing, when it came back it worked. I got it back when I was dating Legs, even though for some reason we always used his camera, since he never liked our picture being takne. (Still a little hurt about that, as I am a fantastic Camera whore). I left mine at my apartment, and when I found it again the battery latch was broken. Since our apartment has no tape, I can't fix it. (*isert "sad panda" face please) so I'm going to have to wait until I'm at my new apartment and have a perfect spot for it.
Sounds crazy? I know definetly crazy. But I have a bit of an OCD too, having one spot for things, random things, such as tape should be in a drawer in kitchen. Or a tool box where I have every sort of tool you might need in compact version of course. Maybe the tape will be in the sewing kit, when I get a sewing kit, so I can lift lint off things I've sown, or even the soap residue so I can never have to wash it because it's a prototype for my future clothes line.
I need a camera and fast, I talk faster then I type so I can keep on track with one thought without rambling on. Ohhh, ya I don't like my camera, new project, yes I got it. I need a new camera so I can do a list of things, I would love to do in my lifetime, Sky, Sing in front of a crowd, Go back to school, Move out of the city, make a donation of certain percent of earings, put money aside, these are all things that I need motivation from everyone else for, and things that will allow me to discover whether or not I like something, make a hobby for myself, or push myself further.
I know that Father Time, and SSH (Ha I got it right the first time) will get this, maybe even Foxy if I remind her. So that means maybe just maybe they'll tell other people about it so I can get ideas and well basically crazy ideas, touch a live snake, get my legs waxed, dye my hair bright pink, take swimming lessons for adults, thread water, get a fake tan, my eyes lasered, write my first book, write my first screen play, make my first move, learn to play guitar, write a song, have my first concert, get a record deal, tour the world. Make a recepie, have other's try it, get requests, make videos, write cook book, own a restaurant, go back to school, become a food critic... travel the world.
That's what a blog reader can do today, it can help someone live to their dreams, they don't need to be famous, (though it does help), they can have their own fanclub of one and make it to where they are the most happy. So next time you read a blog think about the person who made it, wouldn't they want to know what you think? Whether it's over the annonymus life of the internet, or face to face over a cancer stick (FAG) outside of the work (prison, heat infusing, hair whitenning place). "Oh how we love thee...." No I'm not serious.
I'll probably do another blog, so those of you, who night has abandoned, you are not alone. Do not go gentle into that goodnight.... It's my LIFE!!!... "NOT" yours to break or bury, or wear as jewlery..... Romeo, romeo, where forth are thou Romeo.... Deny thy father and refuse thy name.... Bitch you died at the end shut up. Let the man go and you'll live another day.... or die another day when you're old grey and happy.
I choose the second one, and now I'm standing firmly by my choice, when I falter I will come back and say I did it, you can't fight me, I did it on my own.
Plans..... why I am very, very happy you asked....
Love ya guys
XOXO - Kissezz and Hugzz
Oana
Honestly I don't like my camera, it was gone for a while, SSH (*not SHS I don't know why I messed that one up) Thanks to Wifey for reminding me that I can forget important things at times. Any hoo back to camera thing, when it came back it worked. I got it back when I was dating Legs, even though for some reason we always used his camera, since he never liked our picture being takne. (Still a little hurt about that, as I am a fantastic Camera whore). I left mine at my apartment, and when I found it again the battery latch was broken. Since our apartment has no tape, I can't fix it. (*isert "sad panda" face please) so I'm going to have to wait until I'm at my new apartment and have a perfect spot for it.
Sounds crazy? I know definetly crazy. But I have a bit of an OCD too, having one spot for things, random things, such as tape should be in a drawer in kitchen. Or a tool box where I have every sort of tool you might need in compact version of course. Maybe the tape will be in the sewing kit, when I get a sewing kit, so I can lift lint off things I've sown, or even the soap residue so I can never have to wash it because it's a prototype for my future clothes line.
I need a camera and fast, I talk faster then I type so I can keep on track with one thought without rambling on. Ohhh, ya I don't like my camera, new project, yes I got it. I need a new camera so I can do a list of things, I would love to do in my lifetime, Sky, Sing in front of a crowd, Go back to school, Move out of the city, make a donation of certain percent of earings, put money aside, these are all things that I need motivation from everyone else for, and things that will allow me to discover whether or not I like something, make a hobby for myself, or push myself further.
I know that Father Time, and SSH (Ha I got it right the first time) will get this, maybe even Foxy if I remind her. So that means maybe just maybe they'll tell other people about it so I can get ideas and well basically crazy ideas, touch a live snake, get my legs waxed, dye my hair bright pink, take swimming lessons for adults, thread water, get a fake tan, my eyes lasered, write my first book, write my first screen play, make my first move, learn to play guitar, write a song, have my first concert, get a record deal, tour the world. Make a recepie, have other's try it, get requests, make videos, write cook book, own a restaurant, go back to school, become a food critic... travel the world.
That's what a blog reader can do today, it can help someone live to their dreams, they don't need to be famous, (though it does help), they can have their own fanclub of one and make it to where they are the most happy. So next time you read a blog think about the person who made it, wouldn't they want to know what you think? Whether it's over the annonymus life of the internet, or face to face over a cancer stick (FAG) outside of the work (prison, heat infusing, hair whitenning place). "Oh how we love thee...." No I'm not serious.
I'll probably do another blog, so those of you, who night has abandoned, you are not alone. Do not go gentle into that goodnight.... It's my LIFE!!!... "NOT" yours to break or bury, or wear as jewlery..... Romeo, romeo, where forth are thou Romeo.... Deny thy father and refuse thy name.... Bitch you died at the end shut up. Let the man go and you'll live another day.... or die another day when you're old grey and happy.
I choose the second one, and now I'm standing firmly by my choice, when I falter I will come back and say I did it, you can't fight me, I did it on my own.
Plans..... why I am very, very happy you asked....
- Call Italy on Thursday to set appoitment for Friday
- Get my Blackberry Back and use it as a Word Doc on the go
- Confirm if Piticu can show up Friday morning
- Go pay off my Income Tax on Friday
- Meet up with Landlord on the 15 for the last deposit
- Work for a couple of hours
- Go to grocery store (get baskets for clothes, could ask Legs for the tubs but still not sure if he'll talk to me yet)
- Load up laundry card
- Do laundry
- Get boxes
- Pack some more stuff
- Go to work for overtime this weekend, either Thursday or Friday. (Really feeling Friday more then Thursday)
- Find out how I can get the Blackberry Unlocked
- 3.1 Put my Virgin (made you think of sex) SIM in my blackberry and get data plan on
- Find a USB cable for the said Blackberry (Blinks nicely.... *puppy dog face*)
- Continue with this blog at least once a week
- Find out how much internet would cost at the apartment, Uhaul paintments
- Move out (Mainly be all packed by the 28th of the month)
- Get essencials before anything else
- Get furniture from Smart One
- Buy Beauty and Little Man a gift
- 10.1 or make the photo album for Beauty and make something for Little Man (Baby Blanket)
- See Beauty before Little Man is born
- Get my hair done (at home or KGB maybe)
- Go to a Roller Derby game
- Go shopping buy something that is only 20$ and make sure you give up 20$ smoking or
- 5. Get a facial and don't smoke for that money
- Get laptop
- Do a video once a month or slide show for now
- Take a lesson (something cheap maybe 4 times a month or so)
- Manage money for a mini-vacation
- Go on a Mini vacation by the end of summer (mini- vaction as my darling Bridget would say means a weekened in a different town, where you don't know anyone, but will enjoy because it's something you've never done before... posibly with tons of pictures)
- Get a set loan for a certain sum of money (Thanks BOOBIES for that idea)
- Do the Blog once a day
- Get a raise..... or
- 7. Apply to a different company
- Start paying off my debt
Love ya guys
XOXO - Kissezz and Hugzz
Oana
What shall I do?
I am me and I am you,
I am no one and that's true
I do nothing for the living
I do not grieve the departed
I am speechless
I can't shut up
I am happy
I can be sad
I am here
I am alone
There is only
Me not you
There is nothing
I won't do
Independence here I am
I have grown
I will not beg
For a promise it will be better
I will fight
Every last breath
I will make something of myself
I will grow
I will not falter
I will live
Grieve and continue
I am here.
I am no one and that's true
I do nothing for the living
I do not grieve the departed
I am speechless
I can't shut up
I am happy
I can be sad
I am here
I am alone
There is only
Me not you
There is nothing
I won't do
Independence here I am
I have grown
I will not beg
For a promise it will be better
I will fight
Every last breath
I will make something of myself
I will grow
I will not falter
I will live
Grieve and continue
I am here.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Konichiwa Bitches
For the first time... I've smiled a lot. In the past two days I've woken up with a smile on my face. Not faltering and staying there. It's weird but I really think I'm going to be ok. I have my friends around me, and I'm moving. I can be positive.
SSH said today that this kind of happiness is what she has been waiting for... euphoria not wrapped around a guy and me not having myself wrapped around the guy (physically and emotionally).
I really did figure out what people meant by "You don't need a guy."
I've applied for a Senior position in my company and I'm really excited to see if I get it. It's about the 4th time I've applied to get ahead in the company. I would be disappointed if I don't get it, but I have a back up plan in place.
Tomorrow there is overtime opportunity, so I'm going to be working 6 days instead of 5 but at least the money will come in the day of me moving, which will release some stress.
The new guy that I'm talking to JFD (Just friends D..) is understanding about the fact that I want just friends. Which is a relief I'm in the mood to hang out with new people and do new things, without having to worry about them wanting more.
I love my friends don't get me wrong, each and everyone of them. Either it be White Oreo, Foxy, Piticu, Father Time, Wifey, SSH, Boobs, and even Legs, though we're not on good terms. I appreciate all of them right now more then ever, because as I'm reflecting on myself, I've realized they are a big part of myself.
14 more days till moving day :)
Song of the Day : Konichiwa Bitches - Robyn (To listen and view the video click on the title of the blog)
Love the beat of it and the message it sends out, it's quirky and fun. Also the fact that it's not main stream makes me appreciate her not selling out to become main stream.
Till later,
XOXO
Oana
P.S. Might be going to TO. Pride this summer, still working on the plans.
SSH said today that this kind of happiness is what she has been waiting for... euphoria not wrapped around a guy and me not having myself wrapped around the guy (physically and emotionally).
I really did figure out what people meant by "You don't need a guy."
I've applied for a Senior position in my company and I'm really excited to see if I get it. It's about the 4th time I've applied to get ahead in the company. I would be disappointed if I don't get it, but I have a back up plan in place.
Tomorrow there is overtime opportunity, so I'm going to be working 6 days instead of 5 but at least the money will come in the day of me moving, which will release some stress.
The new guy that I'm talking to JFD (Just friends D..) is understanding about the fact that I want just friends. Which is a relief I'm in the mood to hang out with new people and do new things, without having to worry about them wanting more.
I love my friends don't get me wrong, each and everyone of them. Either it be White Oreo, Foxy, Piticu, Father Time, Wifey, SSH, Boobs, and even Legs, though we're not on good terms. I appreciate all of them right now more then ever, because as I'm reflecting on myself, I've realized they are a big part of myself.
14 more days till moving day :)
Song of the Day : Konichiwa Bitches - Robyn (To listen and view the video click on the title of the blog)
Love the beat of it and the message it sends out, it's quirky and fun. Also the fact that it's not main stream makes me appreciate her not selling out to become main stream.
Till later,
XOXO
Oana
P.S. Might be going to TO. Pride this summer, still working on the plans.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Music April 2011
I've been listening to a lot of music lately.
Some of these songs speak to my heart at the moment. I'll update the list, once I find more music that I can't stop listening to. Robyn - Be Mine is starting to grow on me. Just the lyrics and the way she sings it live, strums the strings of my heart.
Top 10 songs right now. (Youtube links too)
Some of these songs speak to my heart at the moment. I'll update the list, once I find more music that I can't stop listening to. Robyn - Be Mine is starting to grow on me. Just the lyrics and the way she sings it live, strums the strings of my heart.
Top 10 songs right now. (Youtube links too)
- The Homes - The Light Song
- Fefe Dobson - Can't Breathe (Ft Orianthi)
- Cheryl Cole - Fight For This Love
- Fefe Dobson - Stuttering
- Diddy - Coming Home (Ft. Skylar Grey)
- Fefe Dobson - Ghost
- Dr Dre - I need a doctor (Ft. Eminem and Skylar Grey)
- Ally and AJ - Potential Break Up Song
- Edward Maya - Desert Rain (Ft. Vika Jigulina)
- Eminem - Love the way you lie (Rihanna)
-
Wildboyz - The Sound Of Missing You (Ft. Ameerah)
If you have any songs you might think I'd like, send me the name/link in the comments and I will listen to it.
Huggz and Kissez
Oana
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