Impossible

Impossible by Shontelle is my inspiration for this blog. I'm going to talk about break ups because I haven't been able to say everything that I feel without someone trying to make me feel better or putting their own spin on it. I appreciate it don't get me wrong they've held me strong but I'm not that strong. I feel weak and lost right now. 

I'll tell you a story.....

Girl meets boy, he's gotten out of relationship recently, let's call him Legs. Legs had just gotten out of a relationship and he was cautious about the girls he spent time with, but somehow Girl got Legs into a relatioship, and they were unseperable. 

So much so that everyone commented on it, that includes family, close friends, and room mates. Things were rocky, but they were good too. Girl isn't all there all the time, and Legs wants to fix everything. 

Girl noticed something was amiss, couldn't tell what, but she over reacted and left Legs one day. He didn't follow her, try to stop her or even say anything as she walked out the door with tears sliding down her face. He didn't notice that she was breaking her own heart in hopes of figuring out what was best for him. 

Three days later they talked, sat down and discussed everything. Only to leave more questions and confusion inbetween them. That led to 2 more days of soul searching for Girl until she couldn't take it anymore, she could not stand not knowing, why he doesn't love her. 

Turns out he never did, he cared for her sure nobody can deny that, but actual love wasn't in his repretoir at least not towards her. So she went back and tried to mend what was broken, only to realize there had to be something there, for it to be mended. 

Moral of the story... there are no happy endings. 

Aftermath - her POV (my POV)

As I sit down in front of this laptop, and look for a cigarette lighter I'm questioning whether or not I'm doing the right thing, I'm questioning wether or not I can go through everything that I'm feeling. If you know me, you also know that I'm not good at feelings, anything that has to do with them makes my skin crawl. 

I've finished my cigarette, grabbed my heart in my teeth (mi-am luat inima in dinti) and decided to write. It's my way of dealing with things. 

I did the most impossible thing, I fell in love, me the F**k 'em and leave them girl. I'm not embaressed by my past or ashamed of it. I know it's there, it's made me who I am. I gave everything that was in me to give, I thought I'd find the one person to appreciate that but I was wrong. 

Turns out I fell too fast, turns out my feelings couldn't be returned, so I've entered my dormant state of living. Where I function but don't actually do anything besides, breathe, work, smoke, drink and work. Sleep eludes me, avoids me and taunts me in the early hours of the morning. 

I'm broken right now, I feel broken, I feel like something is missing, I feel like I'll never smile again, but I do it anyway. I smile at jokes and I try to keep up the front of nothing is wrong. I'm denying the fact that I did something I promised myself I'll never do. DEPEND on  someone other then myself. 

I chose Impossible for this blog because some of the lyrics hit home. 

I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love
I did, I did

I remember my mother saying that to me.. not in the same words, and not in a song, they were so true. Which I did I was cautious for a long time, yet the one time I opened myself up, I was left in the dark with no way out. 

The words that keep playing in my mind is "I don't blame you," I've said that to him, and I stand by it. I'm neurotic, and addict, and an all around crazy person. I'm too much for anyone to deal with, he just seemed to care a lot more. 

I feel like a glorified SEX BUDDY, and I know it was never meant that way, I do get that, but at the end of the day I'm standing four months after the beginning thinking, how could it end? We were happy, or so I thought. We were in love, so I assumed. 

For now I'm done, I'm done with everything that doesn't involve me, and getting myself where I want to be. I miss him, in every step I take in my silly little boots, when I fall asleep because he's not there to wrap his arms around me. I miss his text messages that would send me good night kissez, I miss feeling on top of the world. I'm at the bottom now, I am deep in the pits, and it's up to me to get myself back up again. 

I just don't believe in love anymore, this will make me question everyone that comes into my life, this will make me fear, and this might stop me from loving again, the results have shattered all hope. 

I'm young I know, there are plenty of fish in the sea. I know but right now that's not what I'm feeling. Right now I'm feeling like I'm not enought, like I'm always meant to be the rebound the girl that it's good for a F**k but nothing much, because I'm down for everything. 

This is my pledge I'm done pleasing everyone but me, I'm done being the compliant one that doesn't mind cooking and cleaning, the one that doesn't mind being left behind, or tossed to the side, cause guess what no one will get the chance to toss me aside again. No one will get the change to try it out with me. Maybe I am ready for a relationship... no I'm not a trial version. I'm not a toy or a game, and I sure as all Hell am not here to make you feel better. 

I'm done crying, I'm done feeling sad, and I'm done trying to fix things that I didn't break. I didn't do anything to deserve this and right now I'm angry, I'm angry as hell at the whole world, yet I will remember the good times, the smiles, the sillyness, the hockey game, the pictures in the photo booth, the movie nights, the dancing and the funnies. Other then that I'm not taking anything else with me. 

I'm not going to worry about him anymore, he's a grown ass man. I'll think about him and smile, I'll be polite for companies sake, but other then that for now, I want nothing in return. I want to go into a corner and lick my wounds that were ripped open in a day and sliced through to the bone in a week. 

I'll never let anyone tell me again "You mean a lot to me but you don't mean the whole world" or "I'm sorry". I've heard I'm sorry so many times I could scream if I hear it again. Don't do anything to be sorry about. 

I'll figure it out one day at a time. 

Monday April 12th, 2011

-Sleep

- Work 

The rest to hell with it, I'll deal with it when it comes.   

Hugz and Kissez

Oana